This is my none-business writing

I sincerely hope this blog entry does not come across as sounding all too cliché, instead of just honest. So I spend a lot of time thinking about my pursuit of happiness in life, and the metamorphosis of the very definition of that happiness to me, throughout the different stages and phases that I find myself in. This hunger that I have for life can be exhilarating yet unnerving at the same time. I wake up sometimes just simply excited about the possibilities and the unknown future that lies ahead. Who will I become in 5 years?  And in 10? I like to tell myself that I could choose a thousand different paths and end up becoming a completely modified version of myself. So this is what I think about, mostly just to myself of course. I’d only occasionally claim to my friends that I will end up in Australia one day or mention the other little nuances of my rough draft of a plan. But when you say things like that out loud, you run the risk of always keeping it just a plan, some distant item on your bucket list that no one will bother to hunt you down for not crossing it out.

I worry about my ignorance and apathy. I worry about not seizing the day. I worry about becoming my parents. As much as I love them, I do not think they brought me to America to repeat their footsteps and live a comfortable suburban life (nothing wrong with that though!) I’m starting to sound like a hormonal and confused teenager here, but I’m sure everyone secretly ponders about the meaning of life and your purpose in it. The best and worst part is that you don’t get a second chance. Every decision you make will alter your ultimate destination, you just can’t see the big picture because you’re not God.

What do I see around me? Social media and social networking. Technology that is making the world smaller and smaller still. Mark Zuckerburg’s ambition of “making everyone social”. We are pack animals. We need to feel accepted and have a sense of belonging. I get that. But where is this all taking us? When I went to the dog park today, instead of immediately enjoying the beautiful weather, I first sensed regret. Because I didn’t bring my camera. Why? I wanted to take pictures to put on Facebook. So everyone else can see how beautiful it was. I wonder how many of these little moments you have experienced just in daily life. Our inability to feel content or happy without letting the whole world know. Well, sharing is caring but I just wonder where the obsession of constantly being connected via technology is leading us toward. Don’t get me wrong, I am in love with my Blackberry, Facebook, Google and all that jazz. As conflicting as this may sound, I also am a fan of the traditional. I’d choose a book that I can hold in my hands before an ebook anyday.

I want to say I’m ethnically confused. I am Chinese before anything else. I eat rice with chopsticks you see. I love that I’m different and that I’ve seen the best of both worlds. But when I went to Hong Kong to study abroad this past summer, I felt more American than ever with my Texan English and didn’t think I’d survive long-term in China. So what do I do with this cultural clash? How about some products out there for people who are just not the typical consumer?! Does anyone really want to call themselves typical though? That to me is almost like an insult because shouldn’t everyone be unique in their own little quirky ways? I’d love to buy something that feels like it’s just made for me only but is probably mass produced in a Chinese factory. Only I know how much I love online shopping on Amazon! It is absolutely addictive, you don’t even feel like you’re spending real money. On a similar note, BevoBucks was a great invention too.

How do I present myself to others? A dear friend of mine once told me that I am atypical because I would go out of my way to avoid confrontation. Right he might be, I act like a total softie most of the time. But of course I am fierce in my own ways. I just have my mental energy channeled differently. How do I even explain this? I like having a sound balance in my relationships. If anyone’s upset about something I did, it makes me anxious. It’s sometimes very hard for me to say no. I am trying to change that though. I have slowly but surely stopped compromising just to please others. This personality trait is so contradictory to something else I hold onto very strongly, and that is freedom. As in freedom to make my choices, mistakes and just have my way with life. For example, I will stay in an overprotective and controlling relationship but have nightmares and revulsions about it for years to come. That is very strange of me.

The question for me is not what I hope to gain, it’s more like what do I not hope to gain? I am a greedy person. I am a consumer and a hoarder. I will buy all different colors of highlighters if I can’t decide which color to get. I want to be engaged in everything but I retract whenever my freedom to choose differently is taken away. This is starting to sound less and less like a business blog so let me just stop here.